Everybody Except Robin Meade Get On This Bus

16 Jul

Off the top of my head, I can only think of one newscaster who shouldn’t be replaced with a computer, and that’s Robin Meade, because of her retina-searing beauty and her arsenal of cool outfits and the fact that she calls me Sunshine – yes, she’s talking to me.

All the rest of them, I don’t know what to say. My understanding is, you’re going to sit there at that desk and read the internet to me, with your face painted like a cheap hooker? Even if you’re a dude?

And I like Robin’s weather guy, I really do – but when I go online to any of several weather sites I frequent, I get the same information without a guy in a suit reading it to me and waving his arms around.

The news is on all the time, too, so if you sit there watching it while you’re working out or folding laundry or something, you’ll see them start to repeat themselves every forty minutes. It’s always an odd sensation, because they keep their voice inflections and tones the same, as if once again they are moved or surprised or angered by what they are telling you, even though they just told you the same thing forty minutes ago.

Like when you see a comedian two or three times, and it becomes apparent that all the puzzlement and bemused facial expressions and exasperated eye-rolling – it’s all memorized and rehearsed. Suddenly it feels like a little ball of lies instead of a guy being funny.

I particularly like it when a network puts out a commercial for their “news team”, calling them hard-hitting and then they show the Boy Newscaster in a suit, and the Girl Newscaster in a skirt and blazer, and the two of them stand back to back while crossing their arms, their expressions aggressively confident.

Like they’re out there every day chasing terrorists up the Eiffel Tower like Lois Lane or something.

That pose looks like I’m supposed to believe you two take care of a lot of business. Exactly what kind of business are you taking care of? My guess is, you take care of a lot of barking at interns and make-up people, and eating lunch, and practicing the pronunciation of words you just learned.

It doesn’t seem to me that you two are much different from The Price Is Right models, except you’re pointing at news stories instead of new cars and you’re not suing Bob Barker for anything.

I’m not sure if people like the human touch, and that’s why we don’t have a robot do this, but I don’t think we’re getting much of a human touch from these folks. It’s like you invited a couple of car salesmen into your house to read you the paper.

Have you ever seen them when there’s a winter storm coming, but then it fizzles and fails to arrive? They look like a bunch of kids in a Kool Aid commercial before the Kool Aid guy shows up. One time a guy in Columbus had a ruler out in the street, and was measuring the accumulation in the gutters – under one inch.

Also at The Race For The Cure a newscaster came running up to us with a camera and asked my mom, “What does this Race mean to you?”

She’s a cancer survivor and had a pink shirt, and this was three miles into the race. My mom doesn’t like to even interrupt telemarketers, so she said something stock, like “Oh, it means a lot.”

You should never trip a dude with a camera, in front of thousands of people, and then step on him and call him names, but that seems like a good response to his question to me.

It means you need to get yourself a job, Scoop, is what it means. You know, in books and movies, reporters have a keen eye for detail, having honed their observational skills throughout their backstories. Did you happen to notice the woman is in running mode and not chatting mode? This isn’t as easy as it apparently looks, you know.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard an actual interesting question come out of a television reporter’s mouth, and in fact, practically any time I hear them say anything at all, I cringe.

They’ll stand there with the director of the Humane Society and ask, “Do you think that cats should be spayed or neutered?”

“Absolutely, Carl.”

You know, questions that you would probably be able to get answered from the Home Page of the Humane Society Web Site. Or even from watching reruns of The Price Is Right.

Is there any way we can just stop? Are there really that many people who need Chaz and Donna to sit in a brokerage position, deal us out the news like a deck of cards?

Am I the only one who sees these people on the screen and shivers, thinking, “These people right here are exactly what’s wrong with our country today. These two obscenely animated mannequins right effing here.”

Factory workers and cashiers and receptionists, all drawing unemployment while computers do their jobs, and then we have a small army of soulless spokesmodels, playing iCarly for six figures a year.

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Posted by on July 16, 2010 in Uncategorized


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