Time Travelers Among Us

17 Jun

Hear me out, I’m about one third serious here.

First of all, you know they’re going to figure out time travel. They figure out everything.

Drives a room full of physicists nuts when you tell them that. They’ll all burst out that they’re five hundred percent sure that they’ve got proof on the blackboard behind them that no one can ever possibly time travel, not in any kind of cool, movie kind of way.

Always rolling their eyes, you know, like they are being put out, having to drop on down here to my level and explain why no one can time travel. They theatrically let you know, they’ve either never had to dumb it down this far, or they are tired of doing so.

“You’d turn into pure energy,” they’ll tell you.

Or, “You’d create a parallel universe!”

Or, “Shut up, that’s stupid.”

Clapping their hands on their knees and maybe shooing you away. Now go on, kid, scram.

I’m not going to stand there and argue with a physicist, but here’s what I can tell you for sure – they’re usually wrong, it just takes a while for everyone to figure it out.

Sometimes I think the laws of physics actually change over time – maybe that’s the problem.

For instance, it used to be that the world was the center of the universe, and you could ask any scientist about it and that’s what they’d tell you. And if you said, say, maybe something else is the center of the universe, they’d say something similar to what modern physicists say about time travel.

“That’s the only reason God would put His children here,” they’d tell you.

Or, “Shut up, that’s stupid.”

Or, “Let me just tie you to this stake, and may these cleansing flames bring you favor and mercy in the eyes of the Almighty.”

I like modern physicists better, because they don’t murder you. But they still get things wrong all the time. Even Einstein was wrong about a lot of stuff – just ask Stephen Hawking, who is frequently wrong about stuff, too.

They’re always telling us that there’s no way we can possibly do things, and then when someone does it, they just move a step forward and say, “Yeah, but that’s it, we definitely know every single thing you can do now, so that’s that.”

Hanging onto the arrogance, even though some guy just came out of nowhere and proved them wrong last time.

I remember when I foretold the coming of the DVR. Programming a VCR and a television to both turn on and tape a show was a very involved process, and my dad used to bring me to his friends’ houses to do it for them, as a kid.

In college, I could still do it – cable boxes involved by then – and I remember noticing how answering machines stopped needing tapes. Now you could just record inside the machine somehow, never have to change tapes.

I told everybody, watch. In the future, your television or your cable box is going to store all the shows you want to watch, just like answering machines do. You’ll be able to scoop up sixty hours of television while you’re on vacation, or program it to record the X-Files every time it’s on, even if the time changes.

And the tech guys went nuts. Literally, pointed and laughed and threw garbage at me. Started demanding to know if I knew stuff about computer stuff.

No, I told them. I just know that you guys are always wrong. You always have to claim that the next thing can’t be done, because you haven’t figured out how to do it yet. You don’t like that idea. So as far as your concerned, nothing’s going to happen beyond what you currently understand.

Remember when everyone thought future computers would be the size of cities? That’s what scientists would tell you in the sixties – the most brilliant computer dudes in the world would tell you that.

And if you tried suggesting that computers would eventually be microscopic, you’d get a sigh and a lecture about vaccuum tubes or something.

So just assume for a second that I’m right, and that time travel eventually gets figured out, like robotics and space travel and cloning.

What’s the world going to look like?

Well, I don’t think they’ll turn it over to the general population, like cars or computers. I think they’ll do what I’d do – go back in time and get some Sister’s Chicken and Biscuits, and then go further back in time and buy stock in Microsoft.

Some of them will just say the hell with it, and go further back in time and stay there. You know what those guys would look like? They’d look like Leonardo Da Vinci, or Benjamin Franklin, or Howard Hughes.

Maybe Tesla was a time traveler, and some other time traveler came along and bonked him on the head, took his notes.

They’d probably crash their time machines once in a while, like at Roswell for instance. Head back and help the Aztecs build runways. Pose as Egyptian Gods.

I know a lot of people think those were aliens, but aliens evolve on completely different planets. Not just different islands – different planets.

The odds of them having two arms and two legs are pretty slim. It doesn’t even seem statistically very likely that they’d be remotely our size, or that we’d even recognize them as life at all.

And ALL of the aliens people report seeing have two arms and two legs. They don’t look like aliens to me – they look like humans after a thousand generations of never having to do any physical labor at all. They look like a bunch of super-evolved, time-traveling tech guys, with scrawny arms and super hot spouses.

Alexander Graham Bell beat Elisha Gray to the patent office by just two hours. Now I may not have any “evidence” and I might have no idea what I’m “talking about.” But I’m pretty sure that’s because Elisha Gray really invented the telephone, and Alexander Grahama Bell was a time traveler who went on back and “invented” it instead.

Here’s an article at Legal Zoom where I got that first sentence up there about Elisha Gray, and it shows a whole list of people who may or may not have been beaten to the patent office by time travelers.

Like remember when that supercollider in Europe blew a three hundred mile wide crater in the face of the earth, and seventy million people died? No, of course you don’t, because a time traveler came back and stopped it from happening.

Also, you know how inbreeding is bad, right? How when you go to get married, they ask, “Okay you guys promise you’re not drunk and you’re not cousins?”

They don’t make you prove it, they just make you super duper promise. But anyway, what they’re worried about is a bunch of freaky offspring whose brains don’t work.

And a lot of people’s brains don’t work. We only use what, ten percent of it? Yeah, that’s because the entire human race is inbred with our own time-traveling kilogreat-grandchildren.

You ever get all mad while you’re driving, or trying to get your cel phone company to send you a new phone, or shopping at Wal Mart, and you think, damn it, where did all there morons come from?

They came from irresponsibly fornicating time travelers – it isn’t pretty but you’re not doing yourself any good living in denial.

Get your head out of the sand – they’re everywhere.



Later:  The Charlie Chaplin Time Traveler


Posted by on June 17, 2010 in Time Travel


Tags: , , , , ,

9 responses to “Time Travelers Among Us

  1. Gregory Wilcox

    June 17, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    now i know why that greeter at walmart is always so pissy. he’s thinking to himself, ‘ i can’t believe i let this happen’

  2. ecossie possie

    June 22, 2010 at 2:22 am

    We are all time travellers.I was born in 1959 Ive traveled just over 50 years so far.

  3. ecossie possie

    June 22, 2010 at 2:33 am

    B ack when I was a child if you said to me .In the future we will have computers in our homes an tiny mobile wirless phones ect.I would have thuoght you were insane.Computers in our homes?Only goverments or Arch Villians out of james bond need computers.An how could you have one in your house? They are the size of a house.Plus why would you want one all they do is drive out miles of ticker tape an flash loads of lights of and on.However if you had told me we will all be wearing silver baco foil suits an travell with rocket packs on our backs .Take trips to the moon ect.That I would have found very feasable

  4. Steve

    June 22, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Though I personally think travelling backwards in time would be impossible, here’s some food for thought for those that don’t… Assuming time will go on forever, and time travel is possible, eventually, time travel will be available to many, if not all members of the species that develops it, for a limitless amount of time after its invention, meaning there will be a limitless number of time travelers. Also, if it’s possible to travel back in time a little, it’s possible to travel back in time a lot. Limitless time travelers and the ability to travel as far back as they want would mean a limitless number of time travelers visiting all time periods. Some (again, multiplied by infinity, means that “some” means “infinite numbers of”) will not abide by the maxim that time travel must be kept a secret from the ‘natives’ of the primitive time they travel to.

    Therefore, I surmise that if it was possible to travel in time, we would already know about it from those that had. But here’s the really scary thought — if time travel IS possible, AND we don’t know about it, it would virtually HAVE to mean that species and civilizations will always rise from the muck, then, before they can develop the technology to travel through time, they will develop the technology to destroy themselves (as we have already), and will use it.

  5. Honesty

    February 19, 2012 at 11:29 am

    You may joke, but after a creepy incident that made me look at the person who was driving a car coming from the opposite direction to me I wonder if we do have travellers among us. Now don’t crash, but start taking notice of the faces in passing cars, especially on outback roads. You will be shocked because so far I have seen several living dead looking things and one I could only describe as a hairy wolfman among a few iffy creatures. I am not being smart about this…


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