The Hostile Imaginary Monkey And Me, by Robert Bobo

30 May

Hello. I was inspired by my High School friend Tom to write again. Let’s just get it out of the way…I am dying. I could be gone tomorrow or two years from now but nobody knows. In the mean time I would like to post what I think and feel.

The majority of you are just wasting time reading a blog rather than doing something productive. I will admit, I was that person from time to time. Now my biggest decision is whether to piss in a urine jar or make the trip to the bathroom. It sounds simple enough but can you really put yourself there? I surely couldn’t until recently.

I suppose I am pretty lucky. I have traveled the world, been to major events most people only dream of and I have a wonderful family.

But what I miss is confrontation. Everyone just agrees with me anymore because I am sick. I love to argue and defend a point even if I really don’t believe it has merit. Most of you will just read this and laugh…go about your day. I enjoy beating baby seals, selling Cambodian children in Central America and throwing away recyclable products. For crying out loud, somebody get mad at me.

If you truly have balls and want to actually say something then write it out. I say I will defeat anyone with any argument from any side. What is on your mind? Any topic or subject. The “dare” is on the table.

I thank Tom (and Future Tom) for giving me a forum. Future Bobo is resting in peace and Past Bobo is still smiling! Anyone?

* * *

I just had a long discussion with my best friend George. George is a monkey and only appears to talk to me at the most inopportune times. My kids even know of George and the younger claimed to have seen him outside.

We even named our dog after him…she was a girl so it was Georgegina but I digress.

You see, George comes around whenever I screw up or do something good. I haven’t written anything for almost three years until I happened upon Tom who gave me a venue. George told me this was good and to make sure I gave him credit.

He then told me to pick at a scratch on my leg which led to two hours of bleeding. You have to sort through the weeds to find the flower with him.

When you are sick and dying you tend to give up. Just a fact of life. I sit in a hospital bed and think of all sorts of things but rarely do anything about it. In fact, George even stopped coming around for a while.

He said I depressed him. I guess I could do that to almost anyone after losing 60 lbs and being a walking pharmacy. Then it clicked….share your misery with everyone and make fun of them!

That is what I want to do. Poke at other’s misery besides my own. George said there are millions of people out there and at least 90% would love to have a go at you…testing his theory.

Worst case nobody responds and Tom is reduced to writing a teen love novel because of me. I will still be dead and the 1,000 postcards to subscribe to “Teen People” (checked with “bill me later”) I have filled out in other’s names/addresses will continue to remind everyone of me!


Posted by on May 30, 2010 in Uncategorized


29 responses to “The Hostile Imaginary Monkey And Me, by Robert Bobo

  1. Rebecah

    May 30, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    Well, that was OK for a first post, but I think you can do better. I mean, you didn’t even really give us much to pick on. For instance, I don’t really believe you club baby seals because it seems like it might take slightly more effort than peeing in a toilet, which you seem reluctant to do for some reason (probably just lazy – ask the monkey).

  2. Bill V

    May 30, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    Rob, fuck you for your honesty and you powerful delivery. I refuse to watch you whine about dying you pathetic fuck! Live today like you lived when you turfed Cramer’s lawn! Okay, I can’t keep up with the confrontational writing. Man, I hope your crazy ass outlives us all. You are a ghost soul; always have been. If i didn’t have so many issuses with death I would spend every day tryin to verbally kick your ass. As for now, I have to leave that to stronger people than me. In the words o future Tom nameste m-f’er, nameste.

    • Bobo

      May 30, 2010 at 9:09 pm

      Good Lord Bill…bringing back memories I completely forgot about. Just remembered his Mom sitting us down at the kitchen taben and ripping us a new asshole! You were always a gently giant…as much as you try always will be. I can’t even try to say anything!

    • Bill V

      June 4, 2010 at 10:30 am

      Whoops! You are a good soul! Not a ghost soul. Damn doritoes making my thumbs too fat for typing on this keypad.

  3. Bobo

    May 30, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Was just an introduction…plus I am still nearly perfect even though sick. It is hard to pinpoint something to make fun of. I have the seals delivered now. Everyone thinks Jack Hanna is a nice guy but he has a hell of a mail order seal delivery service. You actually inspired me to pee in the toilet again btw…now I am tired. If I happen to kick the can today it will be your fault. Also, who spells Rebecca with an ah at the end?

  4. Bobo

    May 30, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    George wrote the last sentence…he is an ass.

  5. shawn

    May 30, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    I’m all-in with Rebecah. You just haven’t said much to confront and, also, clubbing baby seals is sooo ’80’s. Listen Bobo, am all for verbally sucker-punching someone who’s asking for it, and i mean literally asking for it, but i need material with which to work. A sculptor cannot mold air. My advice, give yourself some extra time to blog something with teeth by peeing in the urine jar-afterall that’s what it’s there for and why it is called such.
    i will spare you the “did you know you share the same name as Mr. Burns long-lost bear” question…wait that’s not sparing you at all, is it? Hope you have a good weekend. Look forward to some sparring.
    (Sparing n sparring, hmmm, wonder if too much…)

  6. Bobo

    May 30, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    shawn…yet another misspelled name. of all things i cannot believe the beating seals thing sticks with everyone. it is just an enjoyable hobby. how about this…ask me something and I will give you an answer. then we will have fun sparring. i am actually seeing a new side of myself…i am sure there are things to make fun of but hard to pick just one. i will start….guessing you are fat with a bag of doritos on your lap just cruising the Internet. Why else would you be here?

  7. Bobo

    May 30, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    just peed in the toilet again….you guys inspire me!

    • Rebecah

      May 30, 2010 at 8:17 pm

      It’s because I’m so hot. They say Rebec – ahhhhhhhh.
      #1 OK, well, I think often life is extended beyond necessity just because it can be, and we have all these fancy meds and devices which really only make someone live longer, but don’t add to the quality of life. We should stop doing that.
      #2, We should just stop drilling oil now, everywhere, and give the problem to some teenagers to solve, and say, OK, kids. Have up back up and running in 3 years and you each get a house.
      #3, Why is it bad to deport illegal immigrants? Aren’t they illegal?

  8. Bobo

    May 30, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    having serious trouble getting past the Rebec-ahhh comment! Just when I thought I felt pretty bad that picked me up. Of course, this is the Internet and you could be lying, 300 lbs, pock faced wearing a sheet for a dress and I would never know.Now to post: #1 I agree. wish I would have died two years ago. The drugs I take keep me alive but have no entertainment value whatsoever. #2 Don’t care. Like the baby seals…they are there so I use them. #3 I only disagree because they clean like hell for very little. Who else will rinse out my urine jar?

  9. Rebecah

    May 31, 2010 at 2:51 am

    Yes, all I’m wearing is a sheet….

    Right – that’s the thing about immigration. So maybe we only let them stay if they are good cleaners? Like is there some kind of test?

    Posted this to Tom by accident, will repost here:
    And what kind of name is Bobo, anyway? Maybe you had a real name at some point, but you couldn’t spell it, so your parents said, “Look, this poor kid is going into high school, and he can’t spell his own name. Let’s just change it to Bobo.”

  10. thomaschalfant

    May 31, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    Looks like it got pretty rowdy in here this weekend…

    • Rebecah

      June 1, 2010 at 1:51 am

      Yeah, we haven’t heard from Bobo recently. Probly scared him away with my acerbic wit.

  11. Rob

    June 1, 2010 at 3:30 am

    I apologize for the untimely response. I had what we term as an “episode” again last night. I have vomited for 30 hours and back on my walker to get out of bed.I didn’t make my Granfather’s 95 birthday which I will never forgive myself for even though he said he understood. I was interested enough to see what was written. By God’s grace Rebec-ahh in a sheet with a message. I will have you know that the Bobo name is well respected in Sardinia…I could spell Rob even though I didnt attend a single Friday my senior year!

    What color is the sheet?

    BTW-think I have gotten over the arguing thing after so many nice e-mails from everyone saying they couldn’t. Guess they are closet Bobo friends for not posting here. Can’t blame them!I will still argue a little but won’t challenge the masses. Thought I “bought the farm” last night. George was wrong again…

  12. Bobo (still Rob too)

    June 1, 2010 at 3:38 am

    BTW-think the word acerbic is way out of your wit. How long did that take you to search Webster’s for something to add on a post?

    I also commend Shawn for his comment…made me laugh hard and wasn’t mean! Woke me up after vomiting the first time. Hope you got those Doritos my friend!

  13. Rebecah

    June 1, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Great, now I feel like a schmuck. I’m a preschool teacher and I have to be nice all the time. It’s fun to take a break now and then! Sorry – I’ll play nice now.

    Sorry you missed the birthday – major bummer!

    btw – What Dreams May Come is one of the 3 coolest movies ever!

  14. Bobo (still Rob too)

    June 2, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Don’t feel that way Rebecah…I really do enjoy your comments! I really love What Dreams too…never understood why it didn’t do better. A lot of people thought it was too dark…..

  15. Bill V

    June 3, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    I’m the 300lb-er wearing the sheet eating doritoes!

  16. Bill V

    June 3, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Yeah, you all are using dem fancy words. BTW what is Webster’s. Well, back to staring out the window.

  17. Bobo

    June 4, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    Which window Bill? Home or the one where you ask, “do you want fries with that?” (feeling a little better today!)

    • Bill V

      June 4, 2010 at 10:35 pm

      Yep! I thought I would do better in life, but workin’ the drive through is as far as I’ve gotten. LOL

  18. Bobo

    June 4, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    Mmore I thought about it you are a shmuck Rebecah! 🙂

  19. Bobo

    June 4, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    I stuttered on mmore b/c I was thinking of Rebec-ahhh…

  20. Bobo

    June 5, 2010 at 6:11 am

    You know, I can’t even throw barbs at Bill…feel bad for that one even though door was open! He left me in jail once!

    • Bill V

      June 14, 2010 at 6:06 pm

      Yep, I was skeered for my self and decided to hole up in our flat and nurse a 12pk! Just so ya know, I would spring you in a second now!


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