The second most common question I’m getting these days is, okay, how in the world are you going to come up with something new to write every day? Aren’t you going to eventually get on my nerves?
You’re thinking, that’s two questions, but they do go hand in hand. And before I answer, let me just point out that in a neat, post modern way, the very existence of those questions is part of the answer to them. Because you’ll notice, right now, I’m not really coming up with anything to write, so much as answering two questions about how I’m going to do that.
As for getting on your nerves, well, that’s easy. If I’m getting on your nerves by answering the question you just asked, then why did you ask it? It must not have been a very good question.
See how I turned that around?
Anyway, I’m getting enough questions now to justify a Question Bucket. I’m going to hang it on a nail right outside Future Tom Headquarters, or you can find me on Facebook under The Curse of Future Tom, or you can email me anonymously at: email@example.com.
The topics can range anywhere from gardening to particle physics, but keep in mind, although this blog is often based on actual events, it must be considered fiction, since I frequently change or add things, and occasionally pull things right out of my butt. That’s where I’m likely to get your particle physics answer, as well, but I could answer a couple of gardening questions accurately, if my wife’s around.
Already I’ve had a lot of questions, even without the bucket, however, most of them were really demands. Like, hey, Tom, you little writerbot, why don’t you write a story about the time we beat up that hobo, and took his shoes, and then he turned out not to be a hobo, but a Santa Claus dude from the mall, on his way home? And the answer to that particular question is threefold.
First, sir, I don’t know who you are, that’s the main reason. Second, none of that rings a bell. Sure, that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, but I’d have to make the whole thing up – a lot of work. And third, I have never done anything even approaching illegal in my entire life, although occasionally an amalgam named Greeno does things which resemble things you might mistakenly believe that I’ve done at some point. That’s your problem.
Yesterday was pretty tough, I’ll tell you, because it was getting late in the day and I suddenly realized that the story I was posting had almost the exact same concept as the day before – Tom hilariously or no-so-hilariously hears something wrong. By the time I noticed the rerun aspect of it, there was no time to put up something new. And that would be the point in time where I grew frustrated with people in other rooms suddenly shouting out my name to summon me, like I was Beetlejuice or something.
One of my kids walked right into the room, stood right in front of the desk while I was typing, and began dribbling a basketball while trying to sucker me into buying her iPod from her for fifty bucks. Like I can’t just pick it up and use it for free any time I want.
Then as I was engaging the explosive outburst necessary to get everyone to leave me alone for twenty more minutes, I received another question – unsolicited, mind you. A completely new type of question, which I’ve cleaned up for you, in case you’re reading at home with the kids.
“Hey, Tom, you ****. Tell Future Tom to get the ****ing **** blog updated, because it’s almost five ****ing o’clock, and I could swear you told that **** every single day. It’s a day. Nothing yet. Pull your head out of your ****.”
Not really a question, is it? But it wasn’t in the Question Bucket, anyway, it was in my Facebook email. Still, I’ll just say, this isn’t as easy as it looks, you know. When Two Weeks Ago Tom signed us up for this, he was either drinking too much, or not nearly enough.
It actually is pretty easy, it’s just that everything else is hard. If someone wants to drop off fifty thousand dollars to me, I’ll update it every four hours, no problem. But for now, it’s getting written and updated every day, for just over fifty more weeks. Sometimes, you might have to wait until right before midnight, and I’ll tell you, the idea that someone is breaking off an angry email about it is about the happiest thing I’ve had happen all year.
You see, no one on a professional or personal or family level ever wants to hear it when you say, I’m sorry, can’t help you, I have to go update my blog. It seems to me, a guy could get his teeth knocked out, saying something like that.
Sometimes it’s going to be funny, sometimes it’s going to be poignant, sometimes it’s going to be Maxwell Harrington-like, and sometimes it’s going to be the Future Tom Question Bucket.